Naughty or Nice
by Titania Le Fey
Summary: Written from this scenario It’s Christmas Eve, and you’ve stumbled in only to find Santa trying to decide what to leave you, as he lost the part of his list that said whether you were naughty or nice this year. Convince Santa of what you deserve.


Snake was drunk after way too much eggnog. Though what was one to expect when his best friend had showed up unexpectantly? He stumbled down stairs to collect Cassie from the couch where she'd fallen asleep only to see some guy in his living room. He almost drew a gun, thought it was Santa and then definitely drew his gun. Even Snake knew he hadn't drank that much.

Santa turned with a start as he stared at the revolver. "Oh, this is your house."

Snake cocked a brow and shook his head wondering if he'd passed out and this was a dream. "What?"

"Snake Plissken, definitely naughty but the rest here are nice." Santa gave a jolly laugh. "Though I do suppose this is nice for you. You haven't shot me yet for breaking into your house."

Snake's whole face contorted into confusion. Was this guy for real? He took a step closer and stared but then he saw the damned sleigh out on the lawn and, no shit!, reindeer. Snake blinked a half a dozen more times before turning his attention back to the man in red. Finally Snake lowered his gun. It was too much for his drunken mind to follow.

"Now, if you help me find my list maybe we can do something about you being on the naughty list."

Snake continued to stare in blank amazement.

The man who Snake was becoming convinced was Santa turned and returned the stare. "Let me make this easy on you. You help me find the list; I'll give you anything you want. Got it?"

Snake smiled. "Anything?"

"Yes, anything."

Snake had his ideas and went off to search for the list. It didn't take long to find where it had blown into the bushes. Snake retrieved the big scroll of paper and went back inside. Santa was in his chair drinking his scotch. Snake gave him a dubious look before holding the list in view.

"I got it."

"Ah… good." Santa approached him with a big cheery smile that was so bright Snake was waiting for his eye to start hurting. "Give it to me please."

"Give me what I want first." Snake wasn't backing down.

"Very well, Snake. What is it you want?" Santa stood opposite Snake by the fireplace with a rather curious look.

Snake mulled the question over though he was already 99.999 sure of the answer he would give. "I want the government destroyed and you to kill the president for me."

"What!!!"

Snake smiled at the old man's shock. "You did say anything. Besides figure you should know me well enough to know that's what I really want."

"True enough." Santa relented.

"That's what I want for Christmas." Snake repeated.

"I can't do that Snake." Santa sighed and held out his hand. "Give me the list."

"What about the bargain?"

"Is there something else you want?" Santa was getting rather frustrated.

"No." Snake pulled the list back away from the mitted hand.

"I need my list." Santa exclaimed.

"I want my Christmas gift. No gift, no list. That was the deal."

"Snake I can't" Santa was understanding now why this man got everyone mad.

Snake was tired of it and glanced at the list then at Santa. "You sure you can't give me what I want?"

"I can't go around murdering presidents and overthrowing governments. I'm sorry Snake." Santa was trying to be sympathetic.

"Shame." Snake sighed and threw the list into the raging fireplace. Snake picked up his bottle of scotch Santa was lushing on and took a drink.

"You'll be on the naughty list forever." Santa was furious.

"Already on the government's might as well be on yours too." Snake shrugged.

"Snake Plissken you are a no good son of a….." Santa was as red as his suit.

"Should put your damned self on that list." Snake sat down in his chair and put his feet up.

Santa grumbled something Snake couldn't hear.

"Now you going to leave my kids gifts or am I going to shoot you in the ass." Snake laid back and got comfortable while Santa stalked off to finish his job by the tree. When he was done he came back over to Snake.

"Mr. Plissken you are the very worst of the naughty list. And will be the first on it when I get back to the North Pole."

"Snake…" Plissken cooed drunkenly. "Call me Snake."

Santa threw his hat on the ground. "DAMN YOU!"

Snake just laughed. He was laughing so hard that his eye watered up. When he was through laughing Santa was gone. Plissken might have thought it was a dream if it wasn't for the red hat on the ground at the foot of his chair. Seeing it only brought on another bout of laughter. Santa hated him and it was utterly amusing. 


End file.
